Category Archives: Special occasion

To the margin of a winter solstice

To the margin of a winter solstice

Today is 21st December. Winter solstice. Everyone is opening their hearts, lighting the candles, thinking through the old year, planning the new one. At the end of the day we will welcome the longest night of the year to bring even more light into the world from the following morning.

There are days when only the endless darkness exists within. The doubts, the fears, the unanswered questions mudding the sea of the thoughts. The expectations wanted to get fulfilled – even unconsciously. Sometimes there is comparison – myself, my life, where I am on my life path. Sometimes it seems the ornaments of the learned patterns are engraved hopelessly deeply. The little mermaid just floating, floating in the ocean of despair.

And there are days when there is nothing else but the silence. The breath. The sip of hot cacao as it is crawling through the throat. The sweet air as it is expanding the lungs. This is it. This is what I have. This is me. This hot sensation. This bite of air. But all these are for a quick moment only. As the next exhale takes everything away.

Someone is sitting here and writing these words – she was shaped by places, people, events. I am a monument. Proof of a past. Moments swept away by time.

In the city which was a home one day, the streets have new names, there are new shops, old buildings disappeared. The name of the city is the same, but THE city who made me to myself, does not exist anymore, does not exist anywhere – only within me.

As that people neither – who shaped the me who I am today. The name, the body is the same. But the person I met, who shared my steps, who exchanged thoughts and feelings only exists within me, nowhere else in this universe.

From tomorrow the darkness of the night slowly fades away. More light enters into our life. The little mermaid swims into the shore, shake it off her glittering scales and starts to dance. Because today is the day of celebration, gratitude and thanks. For everything and everyone ever stepped into my chalk circle. And since that moment they are with me, within me forever to build, to destroy, to shape. Within me until the last moment of my existence.

(A magyar valtozat ekezetek nelkul olvashato.)

Egy napfordulo margojara

December 21-e van. Teli napfordulo. Mindenki unneplobe oltozteti a lelket, fenyeket gyújt, osszegez es terveket gyart. A nap vegen a leghosszabb ejszaka koszont rank, hogy atadja helyet a novekvo vilagossagnak.

Van, mikor a vegtelen sotetseg letezik csak ott bent. A ketsegek, a felelmek, a megvalaszolatlan kerdesek teszik zavarossa a gondolat-tengert. Az elvarasok, mik fele ohatatlan is ott a megfelelni vagyas. Neha hasonlitok – magam, az eletem, ahol tartok. A tanult mintak sordisze olykor levakarhatatlannak tunik. Uszik a kis hableany, uszik a ketsegbeeses vegtelen oceanjaban.

Maskor meg van a csend. A lelegzet. A korty forro kakao ahogy kuszik vegig a torkon. Az edes levego tagitja a tüdőt. Ennyi van. Ennyim van. Ennyi vagyok. Ez a forro erzes. Ez a falat levego. De ez is csak egy pillanatra, mert mar ki is lelegeztem.

Ul itt valaki, aki irja ezeket a sorokat. Formaltak tajak, emberek, esemenyek. Emlekmu vagyok. Multbizonyitek. Lepergett pillanatok.

A varosban, mi egykor az otthon volt, atneveztek az utcakat, uj boltok nyiltak, epuletek tuntek el. A nev egyezik, de AZ a varos, ami engem magamma tett, rajtam kivul mashol nem letezik.

Ahogy azok az emberek sem, akik azza tettek, aki ma vagyok. A nev, a test ugyanaz, de akivel en talalkoztam, aki mellettem lepdelt, hozzam beszelt, mar csak bennem el, sehol mashol.

Holnapol az ej sotetje enyhul. A napfenyes orak hosszabbak lesznek. A kis hableany majd kiuszik a partra, lecsatolja a pikkelyes rokolyat. Es tancol. Mert unnep van, hala, koszonet. Mindennek es mindenkinek, aki valaha belepett a kretakorombe. Es azota is itt van velem, bennem, epitve, rombolva, formalva, alakitva. Bennem önnön letezesem vegso pontjaig.

Informal report about a Maya fire ceremony

The candle is burning…

Yes, there are moments when I feel I am the luckiest person of this universe. For instance when in the middle of the jungle I am standing around a huge fire with the local Maya descendants, participating in a fire ceremony, my mind just stops working as it is not able to process the fact I am originated literally from the other part of the globe from a sleepy, small town of the flattest, most boring part of Hungary. (It is my own personal Kansas.) And that it is nothing else than a miracle that something guided me here from there.

I sneaked out to a fire ceremony with a friend in the time of corona virus. Officially after 5pm no one were allowed to leave their house. The rule breaker risked to get arrested. I thought as all local people will be there (might be the police person himself) there is no way not to be present for us. Worst case scenario I will spend some time with a whole Maya community in a jail. Even better.

People have been standing around the huge fire behind the local church. ‘Inglesia Catolica’ written on the facade. In the spot of the hesitantly placed wood cross a huge fire blazes. Even hundreds of years are not able to erase a thousands year old tradition. Nothing and no one is able to cut out that seed from the hearth of the people which gives them hope, fate, which helps them to live their life. Yes, it is possible to build a church during the day, but night time the walls will collapse and the fire became the ruler.

Children, adults, older people, people are not even able to stand climbed up to the top of the hill to be together this night to offer the ceremony for the ending of the virus, opening the nearby national park that creates income for the locals, to get healed, to give a birth for healthy baby and so forth.

Two men are dancing around the fire to the sound of the marimba which trickling down from the hill, filling up the valley, the river bank, colouring the sleeping darkness between the trees of the jungle. One of the dancing men gave me a piece of wood. I beset the piece of wood. I’m wondering what it should symbolise when it will be my turn to throw it into the fire?

I do watch people. On some of their face I tend to recognize the features of certain person from my life before Guatemala. They are not surprised by my presence though I am everything but similar to them. I do fit. There is space for me. They invite me to the first row to really see what is happening. It is hard to concentrate on my thoughts. I am lost in what surrounds me in the very moment.

Everyone gazes the fire. The shapes formed by the fire burned into my retina – the crazy twists, spirals, the gorging tongues as they are licking the dark nothing. The black smoke is scorching. Tears are running.

People are throwing their own piece of woods, their candles – tiny flames – into the giant bonfire. All the flames are merging. Or they have never been separated? The big fire will not be bigger or more. The small ones will not get lost. They never existed. The huge fire was pinned onto the tip of the candles. Fire-butterflies.

I’m walking around the fire. My soul follows the rhythm of the marimba. Now or never. Quickly, quickly, what do I want to get burned from my life? I do scan through my life. I feel endless gratitude for every moment I have behind me. I can forget myself that for a long time I was not able to fall in love with my life. Or just loved it far too much? Finally I throw the little piece of wood into the lunatic arms of the fire with everything it symbolises.

Ten o’clock in the night. We are walking home in the soaking dark through the jungle. My flip-flop gave up already on the first 100 meter when we left our home on the way towards the ceremony. The rainy season just recently started. I feel the mud squeezing through between my toes. Pachamama a bit slippery under my feet but at the end of the day she is there. Always. The thread leads us home is the babble of the river. The fire ecstatic pictures still hanging on the wall of my retinas. My lungs are overwhelmed by the smell of the flowers.

I do breathe. I breath my life in – through my roots from the Earth. Through my skin from the scorching of the fire. The cups of my pores get gently filled up with the drizzling rain. I feel peace. Harmony. There is nothing to burn. The ME like that has lost its sense. There is no ME. My life stories are just mirages. The ME is just the little piece of the universe found its home in my body.

The candle is burning…

(A magyar valtozat ekezetek nelkul olvashato.)

Eg a gyertya…

Igen, vannak pillanatok, amikor az univerzum legszerencsesebb emberekent letezem szemelyes adatnyilvantartasomban. Peldaul mikor a dzsungel kozepen maja leszarmazottakkal allok egy hatalmas tabortuz korul, tuz szertartason veve reszt, az agyam nemes egyszeruseggel kikapcsol, mert nem kepes feldolgozni a tenyt, hogy lenyegeben a foldgolyo masik felerol erkeztem, egy almos kis telepulesrol, hazam egyik leglaposabb, legunalmasabb sarkabol. (Az en szemelyes Kansas-em). Ez semmi mas mint csoda, hogy onnan valami ide vezerelt.

A tuz ceremoniara lenyegeben kiloptuk magunkat egy baratommal a korona lezarasok idejen. Hivatalosan delutan ot utan senki nem hagyhatta el az otthonat. A szabalyszegesert borton jar. Azon toprengtem, hogy valoszinu minden helyi ember ott lesz (talan maga a rendorseg kepviseloje is). Akkor pedig nem letezik, hogy pont en ne legyek ott. Legrosszabb esetben egy egesz maja kozosseggel mulatom idom a bortonben. Kivanni sem kivanhatnek egyebet.

Az emberek korbealljak a hatalmas tabortuzet a helyi templom mogott. ‘Angol Katolikus’, hirdeti a homlokzat. A ‘mintha csak veletlen’ leszurt fakereszt helyen most hatalmas tuz lobog. Hiaba evek szazai, evezredes tradicio nem radirozhato ki. Senki es semmi nem tudja az emberek szive melyerol kiirtani azt ami hitet ad, ami elni segit.  Lehet nappal templomot epiteni barmilyen isten neveben, de mikor leszall az ej, a falak leomlanak es fellobog az osi tuz.

Gyerekek, felnottek, idosebb felnottek, jarni szinte keptelenek mind felkapaszkodtak a hegy tetejere, hogy egyuttesen ajanljak fel e ceremoniat, kerve a virus jarvany veget, a kozeli nemzeti park ujboli megnyitasat, ami tobbseguk beveteli forrasa, vagy gyogyulasert, egeszseges gyermek szuleteseert fohaszkodjanak.

Ket ferfi tancol a tuz korul a marimba dallamara, mi lecsorog a hegyrol, megtolti a volgyet, a folyo medret, a dzsungel fai kozt szuszogo ejjeli sotetet. Az egyik tancolo ferfi egy fadarabot nyujt felem. Szorongatom a fadarabkat. Mit kepviselve vessem majd a langok koze, ha rajtam a sor?

Nezem az embereket. Nemelyikuk arcan felismerni velem otthoni ismeroseim vonasait. Nem utkoznek meg jelenletemen, holott minden vagyok, csak hasonlo nem. Elferek. Van hely. Az elso sorba tessekelnek, hogy lassam, mi tortenik. Nehez a gondolataimra koncentralni. Elveszek a tortenesekben ott kint.

Mindenki a tuzet bamulja. A tuz agai-bogai a retinamba egnek. Bele az orult csavarok, spiralok, a sotet semmit nyaldoso moho nyelvek.  A ferfiak arcan folyik az izzadtsag. Perzsel a fekete fust. Folyik a konny.

Dobaljak az emberek a maguk fadarabkait, gyertyait – apro langokat a hatalmas tabortuzbe. A langok egybekelnek. Vagy soha nem is voltak kulon? A nagy tuz nem lesz nagyobb, tobb. A picik nem vesznek el. Mert nem is voltak soha. A vegtelen nagy tuz volt mindig, gyertyak hegyere tuzve. Tuzpillangok.

Setalok korbe a tuz korul. A marimba ritmusara ring a lelkem. Most vagy soha. Hamar-hamar, mit is egetnek el? Vegigporgetem az eletem. Vegtelen halat erzek minden pillanatert, ami mogottem van. Most meg azt is megbocsatom magamnak, hogy oly sok even at nem birtam beleszeretni az eletembe? Vagy tulsagosan is szerettem? Vegul a tuz bomlott karjaiba vetem a fadarabkat, s mindent, amit kepvisel.

Este tiz van. Csurom sotetben setalunk hazafele keresztul a dzsungelen. A papucsom meg indulaskor feladta az elso szaz meteren. Esos evszakot irunk. Labujjaim kozt preseli at magat a sar. Foldanya picit csuszos alattam, de vegulis van, ott van, stabilan. A folyo csobogasa a fonal, ami menten haladunk. A tuz rajzolta orult kepek meg ott csungenek retinam falaim. Tudom csurig a viragok ragacsos illataval.

Lelegzem. Beszivom az eletet. A gyokereimen at a foldbol. Boromon at a tuz perzselesebol. Porusaim kelyheit a szitalo esocseppek finoman toltik szinultig. Beke van. Harmonia. Nincs mit elegetni. Az EN mint olyan elveszitette ertelmet. Nincs EN. A torteneteim csak delibabok. Az EN csak a nagy mindenseg egy a testembe szakadt picinyke darabja.

Eg a gyertya…

“Let the sunshine in”


For the video about OPENING UP THE WHOLE BEING visit my YOUTUBE channel.

“Let the sunshine in”

The whole world is burning in VIRUS-fever. It creates all different situations. We can find ourselves having reactions makes us puzzled. Even we can find ourselves experiencing parallel universes between the kitchen and the dining area. This last happened with me this morning.

I went to the kitchen where one of my fellow volunteer was cooking heart opening hot chocolate from pure cacao to share it with others in the morning yoga class. He was singing, dancing around in the heavenly fragrance of chocolate while cooking. It was a real present from life to be in the kitchen in his presence.

Couple of meters away another person appeared – still in his pijamas – with his mobile phone in his hand, listening the ‘virus news’ on his device. His face was tensed, clouds on his forehead, eyes closed for the beauty of the rising sun, the melting mist around the neck of the hills. I felt his tension when I passed by.

From this heavy energy I escaped back to the kitchen to sing and dance instead – ‘Let the sunshine in’. (

No, we can’t change the world around us. But we can choose how we react. What is your choice?


(A magyar valtozat meg mindig csupan ekezetek nelkul olvashato.)


“Jojj el napfeny”

Az egesz vilag VIRUS-lazban eg. Erdekes helyzeteket teremtve. Talan olykor sajat reakcionk okozza a legnagyobb fejtorest. De lehet, hogy parhuzamos univerzumok nyilnak a konyha es az ebedlo kozti terben. Nos, ma reggel en ez utobbit tapasztalhattam meg.

A hajnali konyhaban egy masik onkentes kavargatta a forro csokit, amit szintiszta kakaobol keszitett szivcsakrat nyitni, a reggeli jogara erkezoknek meglepetesul. Onfeledten tancolt es enekelt a barna illatban. A reggel ajandeka volt belepni az amugy ejszakatol dermedt helyisegbe e korai oran.

Par meterrel odebb egy masik szemely tunt fel – meg pizsamaban – a telefonjat babralva, kutatva a reggel legfrissebb ‘virus – hireit’. Arca feszult, homloka felhos, szemei vakok a kelo nap festette szinpompara, a hegyekrol lassan leolvado kodkontosere. Elhaladva mellette nem lehetett nem ereznem a feszultseget.

Sietve menekultem vissza a konyhaba tancolni es enekelni – ‘Let the sunshine in’. (

Mert a vilagot nem tudjuk megvaltoztatni. De hogy hogy reagalunk, azt egyedul mi dontjuk el. Te hogy dontesz?


Life-celebration – thoughts around a birthday party

Life-celebration – thoughts around a birthday party


I am the queen of the daily routine. Super happy to celebrate others, but still tend to shy back if others want to celebrate me. For a long time I have seen the whole life as a special occasion, so did not understand what is the point of this celebration buzz? Yes, life is something special and sacred. I still agree with myself. BUT I learned it worth to make some moments more special, more memorable. That we have to stop sometimes, otherwise we wake up one morning realising – I do not have this mental/emotional oasis where I can get back on the bluer days to warming up my heart.

We had a birthday celebration last week in Utopia Eco Hostel. Indy, the owners boy turned into three. Kids from all around the area were invited. I have to admit my first thought was – why the  fuss to create this big celebration for such a little boy? He won’t even remember.

As I grew up I inherited the knowledge to survive in any circumstances. To fight, to keep myself above the water no matter what. I am deeply grateful for all my ancestors I do carry awful lots of strength in my genes. But celebrating, stopping, creating special moments – I learned later.

From my grown-up years I clearly remember one particular birthday. After the university I was renting an attic-room from a very special family in Budapest. One day when I went home, all doors were open but the flat was empty, quiet. I was puzzled. …until the moment they jumped out from behind the sofa, singing, shouting me happy birthday. I almost ruined the celebration as I could not stop crying holding my first birthday cake in my hands.

That was the moment I vowed to myself I will make time to stop and celebrate. I will create memories. Because celebrations are vital to the human spirit. They affirm that life is more than just a day-to-day routine.

I was watching Indy. Though he is very young, he was behaving differently. He was like a king – I could feel his strength. No tantrum but quietly walking around, being present in every corner of the space. Yes, he might won’t remember the cake in 10-20 years time, but I’m convinced the feeling, the vibe of the afternoon will stay with him. He will remember that there was a day, when he felt loved, cared by many. And the feeling, the knowledge that he worth the love, the attention will get built into his bones.

So if you are like me, make the effort and set a party, a ceremony or a picnic in the park (or at least let others to do it for you) and invite everyone you think they care. Do not allow the voice of your fear: ‘WHAT IF no one turns up and it gets clear, no one loves me’ to stop you! Find the way you want to remember. Create pictures in your inner photo album. You do not need to follow the path of others. Just do something! Celebrate your life! Celebrate yourself! Because you worth it!


Eletunnep – gondolatok egy szuletesnap urugyen


Hetkoznapokban elso osztalyu vagyok. Masokat unnepelni is kitunoen tudok. A sajat magam unneplese… nos, az meg kicsit docogosen megy. Sokaig azt gondoltam, az elet onmagaban eleg kulonleges, minek a sok felhajtas? Es igen, az elet valoban egy csoda ugy ahogy van. DE azt is megtanultam, hogy kellenek unnepi pillanatok. Meg, hogy neha le kell lassulni, megpihenni, feldisziteni a lelkunket, maskulonben egy nap arra ebredunk, hogy visszatekintve csak egy szurke massza nyulik mogottunk, ami… hat igen, ez volt az elet. Es hianyoznak azok a kis oazisok, ahova vissza lehet vonulni a huvosebb napokon szivet melengetni.

Mult heten dzsungel-szulinapi partin vehettem reszt. Indy, a tulajok kisfia harom eves lett. A kornyek osszes gyereke hivatalos volt. Bevallom, az elso korben felbukkano gondolatom az volt – minek ez a nagy felhajtas egy ilyen pici gyereknek? Ugyse fog emlekezni.

Felnovekedve megtanultam hogy kell tulelni, harcolni, viz szinen maradni barmifele korulmenyek kozott. Minden felmenomnek orokre halas leszek az eroert, amit a genjeim minden csucskeben hordozok. Unnepelni, megallni, kulonleges pillanatokat teremteni azonban masoktol tanultam.

Felnott eveimbol van egy meghatarozo szulinapi emlekem. Az egyetem utan padlasszobat beretlem egy kulonleges csaladnal. Egyik nap arra mentem haza, hogy minden ajto tarva-nyitva, am a lakas ures. Sehol senki. Nem ertettem… egeszen addig, mig elo nem ugraltak a butorok mogul a haziak, ‘boldog szuletesnapot’ enekelve. Majdnem jol tonkretettem az unneplest – csak potyogtak a konnyeim az elso sajat szuletesnapi tortamra.

Ez volt az a pillanat, amikor megfogadtam, tudatosan torekedni fogok arra, hogy legyenek emlekezetes pillanatok az eletemben. Mert az unnepek eltetik a lelket. Emlekeztetnek, hogy az elet tobb mint napi rutin.

Figyeltem Indyt. Aki bar nagyon fiatal, valahogy mashogy viselkedett. Olyan volt, mint egy kis kiraly – csendesebb, lehetett erezni a megfontolt erot. Semmi harom eves hiszti. Jart korbe-korbe, mintegy felugyelve kis birodalma minden szegletet. Igen, lehet hogy 10-20 ev mulva nem emlekszik majd a tortara. De meggyozodesem, hogy az erzes, a delutan hangulata orokre vele marad. Emlekezni fog, hogy volt egy nap, mikor sokan osszejottek miatta, neki, erte. Es az erzes, a tudat, hogy masok szeretetere, figyelmere erdemes, lenye megingathatatlan alapelmenye lesz.

Szo mi szo kedves olvaso, ha te is hozzam hasonloan a hetkoznapok koronazatlan hose vagy, szedd ossze minden batorsagod, es rendezz partit magadnak, ceremoniat, vagy egy pikniket a szabadban. (De legalabb hagyd, hogy masok megrendezzek neked!) Es hivj meg mindenkit, akinek szamitasz. Ne hagyd, hogy a ‘de MI VAN HA senki nem jon el, es kiderul, tulajdonkeppen senkinek nem vagyok fontos’ felelme megallitson. Talald ki, rendezd meg a sajat emlekeidet! Mindegy mit, csak csinalj valamit! Unnepeld az eleted! Unnepeld magad! Mert megerdemled!