Waiting for my soul
Fourteen years ago, when I started my life in London I was working in cafes. I felt desperately trapped because I felt I can do more and I waste my life with mindless coffee making.
Later I became a yoga teacher. I count myself the luckiest person as I was teaching classes in amazing gyms and in the best yoga studio in London after five years of my graduation. This was (is) the job made me satisfied. I loved it. When I was teaching I felt free, full of life. I had no pain, no problem any more even I had to hold my broken pieces together before the class. I dissolved in the teaching. …and gradually the ‘ME’ became equal to my ‘PROFESSION’. My life was about nothing else but my job. After the class I went home and… the ‘I’ never arrived into the flat. When I was not teaching I had no points to relate to anymore. I was empty. I was no one. The ‘I’ disappeared.
The distance between my public and private persona became so enormous I felt I cheat on people who thinks I always the same – strong, balanced, peaceful, calm – person who I am when I do teach. And I felt I will get crazy bouncing between these two worlds.
I decided to leave my loved job behind to find the ‘ME’ who is happy just because she exists. Who does not overdo to prove she worth the attention, love…, life. Who KNOWS in her every cells she is loved and she deserves the best company and she feels comfortable being in this company – herself. Who KNOWS, FEELS, LIVES the truth: that life is a magic.
…
Once I bumped into a short video. People in all age range had been asked about what do they want to change on themselves. Some of the adult wanted to loose some weight, some of them wanted to be taller/shorter, more black or more white. The children had been a bit puzzled. They did not really understand why should they change anything? After a short thinking they wished to have pointy ear like a fairy has, bigger teeth, like a shark. A sweet little chubby girl with red hair said – I do not want to change anything.
I was wondering, where is the turning point. When do we start to see certain parts of ourselves as impossible to love? When did we break the love agreement with ourselves first? When we abandoned ourselves, put the first masks on and crave for the company of others to prove we still worth to exist as we are?
…
I live in the jungle. I have a top bunkbed to sleep shaped by many people before me in a shared dorm. I have three food per day. I have some clothes fit into a suitcase. Serving food and coffee. I sit long hours next to the river. Gazing the water, the trees, the hills. Just gazing. I have no aim but finding the lost me. Being able to say YES to myself again. To believe I am enough. I am worthy. I do not have to DO to deserve.
…
Morning. Standing in the river. Inhaling the smell of the river. Feeling the numbing cold on my skin, the tamed strength of the current on my ankles. Watching the ecstatic dance of the moskitos above the surface. I am not more for this river than this piece of wood just bumped into my ankle. No more than the leaf was falling from this tree right now. I am no one. There is no me. No names. No positions. Not even clothes in a suitcase. Only surrender. Humbleness. Nothing. Everything.
…
The Indians said if you feel tired you might walked too fast. Better just to sit down and wait for your spirit to arrive. I’m standing in the river. Waiting. Waiting for my spirit to arrive.
(A magyar valtozat ekezetek nelkul olvashato.)
Lelekvaras
Tizennegy evvel ezelott, londoni eletem hajnalan kavezokban dolgoztam. Elkeseredetten ultem onnon csapdamban, mert erzetem, a kavekeszitesnel tobbre vagyok kepes, hogy csak vesztegetem ertekes eletem.
Kesobb joga tanarra lettem. Az legszerencsesebbek egyikenek tartom magam, hogy a masfel eves trening utan ot evvel mar London legnagyobb joga studiojaban tanithattam. Ez volt (es ma is az) az a munka, ami boldogga tett. Imadtam. Amikor tanitottam, szabadnak ereztem magam, elonek. Fajdalom, problema nem letezett tobbe ha tanitottam, meg ha apro darabjaimbol kellett is osszeraknom magam ora elott. Feloldodtam a tanitasban. … es fokozatosan az ‘EN’ egyet jelentett a ‘MUNKA’-val. Az eletem masrol sem szolt, mint a munkamrol. Hanem aztan elindultam haza, es… soha nem ertem haza. Amikor nem tanitottam, nem volt tobbe mihez kepest leteznem. Ures voltam. Senki. Az ‘EN’ eltunt.
A szakadek a nyilvanos es a magan enem kozott olyan vegtelenne tagult, hogy azt ereztem, csalok. Hogy becsapom azokat, akik azt hiszik, en mindig az vagyok, akit akkor latnak, amikor tanitok – egy eros, kiegyensulyozott, bekes, nyugodt letezo. Es lassan kezdett felorolni a ket vilag kozti koteltanc.
Szeretett munkam magam mogott hagyva elindultam megkeresni azt az ‘EN’-t, aki attol elegedett, hogy letezik. Aki nem nem akar kenyszeresen tobbet es tobbet tenni, csak hogy bizonysagot nyerjen, erdemes a figyelemre, a szeretetre… az eletre. Aki minden sejtjevel TUDJA, jar neki a szeretet, megredemli a legjobb tarsasagot, es jol erzi magat ebben a tarsasagban – onmagaeban. Aki TUDJA, ERZI, ELI az igazsagot: az elet csoda.
…
Egyszer egy rodid videora bukkantam. Mindefele eletkoru embereket kerdeztek, mit valtoztatnanak a kulsejukon. Nehany felnott le akart adni par kilot, volt aki magasabb/alacsonyabb szerett volna lenni, vagy sotetebb/vilagosabb. A gyerekek kicsit zavarban voltak. Nem igazan ertettek, miert kellene barmit megvaltoztatni. Vegul rovid toprengest kovetoen arra jutottak, hogy jo lenne egy hegyes ful, mint a tundereknek, vagy nagyobb fogak, mint a capanak. Egy pici, voros haju, kerek lanyka gondor mosollyal kozolte, o jo ugy, ahogy van.
Azon toprengtem, hol lehet a fordulopont? Mikor kezdunk el ugy tekinteni egyes reszeinkre, amiket lehetetlenseg szeretni? Mikor ‘hagyjuk el’ magunkat eloszor? Mikor kerul fel az elso maszk, ami mogott ucsorogve remeljuk betoppanni azt a masikat, aki bebizonyitja nekunk, szerethetok vagyunk?
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A dzsungelben elek. Egy hat fos halo egyik emeletes agyanak tetejen alszom, mit elottem ottalvok testei formaztak. Napi haromszor kapok enni. Van egy borondnyi ruham. Etelt es kavet szolgalok fel. Hosszu orakat ulok a folyo sziklain. Nezem a rohano vizet, a fakat, a hegyeket. Csak nezek. Minden egyeb cel nelkul, mint ratalalni az elveszett EN-re. Hogy kepes legyek IGEN-t mondani magamra. Hogy elhiggyem, eleg vagyok. Erdemes. Hogy nem kell folyton TENNEM, hogy kierdemeljem.
…
Reggel van. Allok a folyoban. Belelegzem a folyo illatat. Erzem boromon a viz zsibbaszto hideget, az aramlas szelid nogatasat a bokamon. Nezem a szunyogok orult tancat a viz felett. Nem vagyok tobb e folyonak, mint ez a faag, ami epp a bokamnak utkozott. Nem tobb, mint ez a level, ami idepottyant. Senki vagyok. Nincs EN. Nincs nev. Pozicio. Meg a ruhak a borondben sem leteznek. Csak megadas. Alazat. Semmi. Minden.
…
Az indianok azt mondjak, ha faradt vagy, lehet, tul gyorsan haladtal. Jobban teszed ha leulsz, es megvarod, mig megerkezik a lelked. Allok a folyoban. Varom a lelkem. Varom, hogy megerkezzen.